RESURFACE

Can buried feeling resurface once more?
When the person you liked keeps coming back for more?
More time
More interactions
More unsolicited attention

It was the 7th of April 2023 when I decided to throw away the feelings I have for this one guy I’ve liked since the day his eyes lit up when I told him I watch his favorite anime series.
The reason?
Well, I figured out the person who he had a crush on that time. He didn’t really tell me and I didn’t really ask him but he was quite obvious about it online.

One thing about me is that when I know who my crush likes, I lose interest. Or more like I force myself to lose interest ’cause I know I’d only get jelly if I keep crushing on someone who liked somebody else. This routine of mine isn’t something newly acquired but for some reason, it took longer than usual to let go of my feelings for him.

Probably because we’re close friends. Or perhaps I had been in too deep with how I felt about him. Whatever it was, I had to sort my feelings out. I had to leave them some place faraway.

That place was Bicol.

I still remember that night. I waited for everyone to sleep. I waited for the resort to shutdown all the lights. I was there, sitting by the shore, under the moonlight with the waves splashing in front of me. Had a pen and the journal he gifted me from the previous Christmas.

I wrote a poem first ’cause that’s what I do best.

I envy the roar of the ocean
Always louder than the words I wanna say
Always graceful with each flowing motion
I wish the ocean waves would just wash my feelings away…

Rian K | Day 2 Bicol 2023

After that, I prayed, and cried, and sang a song of praise and of worship to ask God for comfort.

“If it’s in Your will, we’d see each other eye-to-eye in Your timing. But if he isn’t the future You have for me, I’ll wait patiently.” I said.

I really did like him that much I guess. I talked to God about him. After that day, I was able to slowly shift my view of him from a love interest to an older brother. I didn’t change how I approached and interacted with him.

I just, did it less.

That day went on until I had new crushes. One was from school, a basketball player back in May. Another was a mentor from YE’s Cluster 1 family by June, and then that photographer from Arts who, I found out on January this year, had a girlfriend. It was unusual for me to switch crushes in such a short period of time ’cause I’ve always crushed on people for years.

That’s what happened last year.
Now that it’s 2024, why do I feel like the feelings I threw at the ocean are being washed ashore?

Is it his personality?
Is it because we’re spending more time together than usual?
Or is it because the feelings which I thought I had already let go had always been inside, muffled?
Silenced. Forcefully set aside but never forgotten.

What if I do still like him?
What if he feels the same way now?
What if these buried feelings are resurfacing because the right time is coming?

I wonder what’ll happen. I’m curious what God has in store for us. But I don’t wanna force anything. I just wanna let it all flow and wait until he makes a move. Or wait if HE makes THE move.