We have different views on the concept of letting go. Some find it painful while others see it as freedom.
I fall on both categories.
Back when I was younger, I’ve always been the type who will have a crush on someone for a couple of years or not have a crush at all. There is no in between. And it remained at that stage. A mere infatuation if you will. It wasn’t until 10th grade that I had the courage to confess and enter a mutual understanding with a guy. I remember how lucky I felt, thinking that I had found “Mr. Right” like how my generation would call him. Ignorance sure is bliss.
We acted like lovers without the proper label or commitment. Holding hands, longing stares and sweet words. We never did anything over the line but still, that secret love story continued for almost three years! It would have lasted for much longer if I didn’t realize how wrong it was. Perhaps it was sometime last December when it hit me. When God started to show me signs. It was then that I realized that I had been pretending when I had fallen out of love already. I no longer see a future with him and yet, I kept him, thinking that it’s just a phase. But when 2021 started, God started to move.
My ministry mentors were talking about their love lives that Sunday and I was the only mentee hanging around with them. I was listening. And then I started asking. At first, I tried to make it look like I was asking for a friend but I told them the truth about my situation anyway.
Hanapin mo muna sarili mo kay Lord. Magsumiksik ka sa Kanya. At your age, dapat alam mo na priorities mo.One of my mentors
I cried. Not just for myself but for the guy as well. I was wondering how he would feel if I told him that we had to end what we had. But at that point, I was still torn between being in denial and letting go. That’s when I responded to God’s sign by pouring out my heart during the service. Then I soon did what I had to do. It sucks that we had to end things over a video call because of the pandemic. However, he was extremely understanding and calm at that moment. But I know that behind the façade, he was hurting. There even was a moment of hesitation in my head but I brushed it off. It’s better to get it over with early than pretend and multiply the pain if I waited until we met in person. I was determined to set things right.
It must have took me one and a half month to fully move on. During those days, I reassessed my priorities. I wanted to put God on top of my list so I did! I also thought about the future. If one day, God decides to introduce the right one, I pray that he loves Jesus more than he will love me. A God-centered man, doesn’t that sounds nice? And there’s the possibility that I’m meant to stay single and just focus on serving God and His people. Whichever is according to His will, that’s a win-win for me!
Letting go truly is painful but there’s freedom in it when God teaches you how to handle it. This is another lesson that I learned as I grow deeper in the Lord.