Never Zero

I remember my first experience of feeling alone in what was supposed to be a fellowship.

Sadness is what I first felt when I realized that nobody was going to attend the fellowship we’ve set up for the youth of our campus. I saw that most of them were online that’s why I expected for them to be present but perhaps their dry seasons were at play.

Then I felt like a disappointment. Maybe it was me who’s at fault. Was I not eager enough? Not passionate enough? Am I lacking on more effort? These questions were running through my mind as I stared at myself on the laptop screen.

So this is what my mentor experienced when all her colleagues left her to be the last youth standing in her time, I thought. And so I messaged her. I told her about this new obstacle. “Zero is not that bad.”, is what she replied. I was gonna agree but then I remembered that I was there. It’s never zero as long as there is one person remaining, standing, praying.

That was when I decided to stay. To spend the next hour waiting. “Kahit isang kabataan lang ang pumasok, itutuloy ko mag-speak.” Suddenly, I was determined to wait. Then I got a message from one of my friends, apologizing that she wouldn’t be able to make it. She had to stick with her hospitalized mother. Now, the thought of her even messaging me at such urgent situation just to apologize made me feel something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I do know that I wanted to pray for them. “Kung walang youth na papasok, itutuloy ko ang pagdarasal.” And I did. I prayed for Karla and her mother. I prayed for the youth who weren’t able to attend. I prayed for the whole campus.

Then I thanked God.

Because He made me realize a lot of stuff. He made me see the bigger picture. He proved to me that it was never zero to begin with. I wasn’t alone. Never alone for He was there. Always had been there testing my patience. Teaching me how to manage my expectations. Aiding me to handle my thoughts and emotions. At the end, God was there to comfort and remind me that many moments like this will come. And in these situations we will be able to reflect. Will we stop and turn back to where the people are gathering? Or will we continue despite being alone in the journey towards Him?