“I didn’t sign up for this!”, I told myself as I cried myself to sleep that night.
Maybe it was the cool touch of the evening breeze or the comforting embrace of my bed. Perhaps it was both. But deep inside I know that my prayer was the reason I escaped those troubling thoughts. It was on that night back in December, when God made me realize the value of commitment.
I’m a trier. There are so many things in this world that I want to experience. So many places to visit. Food to eat. People to meet. So many opportunities but so little time. Still, I want to do everything! But ever since the pandemic started, things got complicated.
I wanted to do everything.
Leadership was one of the skills that I wanted to improve by joining the student council. Being able to work with passionate youth inside and outside the campus, helping every student and inspiring people. That was the vision. But the pandemic came and suddenly, those goals seemed so hard to achieve. The responsibility remains however, the fire is wavering. It’s difficult to meet the expectations when your moves are limited. It’s difficult to keep your hopes up when things don’t go according to the plan. I never signed up for this challenge but 2020 decided to test how much of a leader I truly am. And it disappoints me to realize that I’m struggling to keep things balanced.
I wanted to do everything.
Luckily for me, I got the chance to get to know God more despite the pandemic. At first, I wasn’t fazed by the statement “you can’t serve two masters at once”. I’ve always seen myself as a multitasker. I overestimated. Just as you thought things will get better, the opposite happens. Despite knowing that I had to let go of some commitments, it took me a while to overcome false positivity.
That night, my emotions got the best of me. I felt the chains of responsibility. All I saw was darkness and defeat. Overwhelming, is what it was. Doubt barged in with anxiety and fear. I wanted to scream my heart out but didn’t want my family to worry. I wanted to lash out but didn’t want to hurt anyone. So I prayed. Silently, I prayed to God to take it all away. And He did. He calmed me down and took away the pain. But He left me with the greatest lesson
Thou shall not commit without considering the possible trials along the way. Thou shall not commit while expecting for an easy sailing journey. Thou shall not commit without taking accountability.
Of course, there is no escaping on my current duties right now. But that lesson is one that I will never forget when it comes to decisions. One that I’ll never forget when making commitments.