Kinabukasan

Sa tuwing iniisip ko ang kahihinatnan ng binubuo nating relasyon, ‘di ko maiwasang ngumiti. Ito pala ang pakiramdam na makahanap ng taong gusto mong makasama sa bawat bundok at lambak ng buhay.

Hindi pala puro kilig ang pag-ibig, may kirot ding kaakibat ang pagmamahal nang tapat.

Higit kong nararamdaman ang ligaya sa bawat surpresa na hinahanda mo. Mula sa mga pisikal na regalo hanggang sa mga pagkilos mong nakakapanibago. Siguro’y hindi ko na talaga makakalimutan kung paano mo ako inakbayan sa sinehan. Unti-unti kong natutuklasan ang bahagi ng pagkatao mong hindi umiilag sa haplos ng aruga mula sa iba. Sayo pa mismo nanggagaling, nakakatuwa.

Nakakatuwa na nakakatakot.

Kasi baka masyado akong masanay sa presensiya mo. Dito ko na lubos na nararamdaman ang kirot. Mula sa pag-aalala na baka isang araw, maglaho ang nararamdaman mo para sa akin. Kinakabahan ako na bigla kang tumiklop at mapangunahan ng takot o ‘di kaya’y maumay ka sa pinaparamdam kong alaga. Mahirap hindi maluha.

Ngunit ano pa man ang kahahantungan natin, nasasabik ako.

Sabik akong mas makilala ka
Kung paano ba kita mapapasaya
Paano kita mapapatahan
Paano kita matutulungang maabot ang mga pangarap na bitbit mo hanggang ngayon

Sabik din akong ipakita sayo kung sino ako
Kung anong nagpapangiti at nagpapangiwi sa akin
Bakit ako may peklat sa kanang bahagi ng aking binti
Saan ko nakikita ang sarili ko sa hinaharap

Hindi ko alam kung paano pero nasasabik ako, sa kinabukasan na mayroong tayo.

Too Much Love

Writing about love isn’t hard for me ’cause I’m filled with love to share. But would you believe me if I told you that love…terrifies me sometimes.

I’ve always believed that we should live life now for tomorrow isn’t certain. Visit that place you’ve been dreaming about. Eat that snack you’ve been craving for. Show the people you love just how much you care for them. Do it now or regret it for the rest of eternity. God doesn’t wait for tomorrow before letting His people know that He loves them. Being called to love Him and to love other people, I go all out with my love. I express what I want to express. Thankfully, a lot of people like that part of me. I’m happy that you also appreciate my presence.

But I wonder if you know the other part of me who’s worried about being too much. I ponder a lot about it. What if I’m too clingy? What if I’m too sweet? What if I’m too much? Don’t people get fed up of cake if they eat it everyday? People can’t breathe if you hug them too tight right? I worry about my love being the suffocating type. The kind that intimidates. The kind that’ll make people keep their distance. The kind that’ll make you re-think having anything to do with me.

Is there such a thing as loving you too much?

I Don’t Like You

I don’t like you.

I don’t like you for your appearance. What I like is how you do your best to maintain and present yourself. I don’t like you for your money. But I do like how you value and enjoy every penny you earn. I don’t like you for being smart. What I like is your unending desire to learn. I don’t like you for being kind. But I do like how you go out your way for people because you know Jesus Christ would.

I don’t like you for liking me. I like you simply because, well, you’re you. Adorably awkwardly awesomely you.

Whatcha think?

I think it’s absolutely wholesome
how you also want a part of my time
how you share your thoughts just fine
how your curious about what I have in mind

I think it’s absolutely adorable
how you stay close to me
how you lean in or drape your arm freely
how your warmth hugs me safely

I think I don’t mind staying for long
I don’t mind writing song after song
As long as it’s absolutely you
I think I like the idea of us two

Still here

Sometime in 2021, I wrote a prose called Hidden Tears of the Silver Cloud. It was the first time I saw and felt that you’re down. I never knew the reason behind the heavy weight you carried that day. For all I know, you might still be carrying the same burden today.

Now in 2024, I saw it again. That silver cloud of yours. Same case, different time, same response. Just like the words that came out of me from then, I want you to know that I can handle your rain. I’m here to listen to your thunders. It’s okay to show me your lightnings. Flood me with all those emotions that you need to let out. I never said I’d solve ’em. I know you enough to trust that you’ll get through it all. But I also know you enough to expect that you plan to bear it all alone. It takes a lot of endurance to suffer by yourself and a lot of humility to say you need help, aren’t you too used to the former? I just hope you find the courage to share it with me this time around.

Until that moment comes, I’ll be here waiting. Still wanting to hear and feel your downpour.

You must know

I wonder how confident you are with your knowledge of me. There’s no denying that you already know about the things that make me smile. I mean, you’re in that list. Perhaps you also know what I look like when I wake up in the morning. You’ll enjoy more of that in the future, hopefully.

But there’s one thing about me that you have yet to see but I don’t want you to witness. ‘Cause that would mean we didn’t work. So with the hope of our story not ever coming to that kind of ending, here’s what you must know.

I love deeply. There are so many pet peeves that I can tolerate because of this. There are so many lapses that I’m willing to understand because I love just like that. But this doesn’t mean I’m blind to the right emotions. I get jealous, I get angry, I hesitate, and more. But I know how to control these. I know how to keep them in me. I know how to keep my cool. And so comes what you must know about me.

When people disregard and betray my trust, I don’t make a scene out of it. If I discover any hint of disloyalty from the people I love, I don’t lash out on them. I leave, quietly. You won’t hear a word from me but that’s enough to make you feel what you lost. Don’t worry, I’m generous with forgiveness for it overflows from my God. But I don’t chase. I’ll still talk to you like nothing happened but that’s all you’ll get from that moment on.

Now that you know, let’s hope it doesn’t happen between us. I look forward to not having to leave you quietly. So don’t make me.

We were here

We were there at Macao. Where you secretly took a picture of me trying to take a photo of the huge teddy bear. We had caramel hair and matching phone cases. You almost left that yellow bag after we ran around places.

We were there at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Where we had our first time lapse. We took more pictures and found ourselves missing Dave a little.

We were there at SM’s Skating Rink. Where I bragged about watching tutorials only to eat my words and fall five times. You were worried about your khaki pants but laughed it off when your phone met the ice.

We were there at SM Cinema. It was my first birthday with you. Dave was there too. Movie 25 was a solid watch but none could top off that malunggay pandesal paper bag.

We were there at Quantum. Where you watched me unleash my inner Kuroko while you Zen Zen Zen-ed that other game.

We were there at Beyond Coffee. It was your first birthday with me. It was just us two. I couldn’t think of a present so I chose to give you a shared experience. Art is art even if we didn’t get to finish our paintings.

We were there at Ezekaya. That secret but not-so-secret place of yours. I never knew that curry tastes better with your favorite person. But now I’m craving it again.

We were there at Sari. That special place of ours. We finished our previous painting and started a new art piece with our feelings. Who would’ve thought we’d finally be on the same chapter in the same page of the same book after several years? That prayer, will be the first of the many prayers we’ll have together.

We were here, we were at these places. Making and leaving good memories with every stop. Tell me, where are we going next?

Thought After Thought

Oh the vain of thinking too much
is a struggle many brains have carried
Being pestered by thoughts in a bunch
can be a burden to a heart that’s worried

What ifs, buts, and whys
Questions with no definite answers
Too much, too little, maybe just cry
Answers from uncontrolled imagination

Thought after thought
Can’t the mind just rest?
Heart to heart check
What a tiring mess

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