When Tears Fall

Ever noticed that uneasy feeling when something or someone triggers your deepest fear, pain, regret or disappointment?

How you try your hardest to shake it off as you put up a fa├žade? Pretending. Fooling no one but yourself.

I know it well. Especially when the mask I’ve put up gets too heavy to bear. Then you start laughing and distracting yourself from the boiling emotion inside you. That nervous chuckle. I know it when I hear one. ‘Cause I know how mine sounds.

And finally, you stop trying to hide. You let your walls break down. And when those tears fall, it feels as if you’re at your lowest, most vulnerable self.

But how is it that comfort can suddenly replace the outburst after some time? Like how the sea calms once the storm had passed. It marvels me how we can still pick ourselves up when tears fall. Reminding us of the temporary struggle we need to overcome for us to learn how to let go and move forward.

So next time you find yourself expressing your sadness, I hope you don’t take it as weakness. I hope you’ll think of it as a turning point to what you’ve been trying to suppress. A catalyst of change, if you will.

White Blob of Paint

We’re all a blob of white paint on a blank palette
Pale and untouched
But with the dip of a new color
We are transformed to a new wonder

A hint of red will turn us pink
Blushed and sweet to see
Add some more to get a passionate hue
Too much will stir anger in you

If cherry is not something you fancy
Add orange or yellow and make things lively
See the energy flow as you mix it away
Does it give you a smile and make your day?

When you’re feeling wild or a bit mysterious
A pinch of green is the option to take
Like that of a busy jungle, the type to make you curious
Curious to explore the vast green lake

Perhaps you long for the calmness of the sky
Put a little blue, or a bit more will do
And when you wish to float on water and cry
It won’t hurt to put everything too

But if you’re feeling rare and feisty
Purple or violet, which ever it may be
No judgement on that, to use it is free
A bold pretty color for you and me

Now if you wish to mix all the colors you have
Expect for a dark brown, dark gray, or black
Or you can leave everything just as it is
A blob of white paint on a blank palette

Crush Mo Nga, Crush Ka Ba

Required na ba ngayon na i-crushback ni crush?

Mapayapa akong nagbabasa ng mga posts na nasa Facebook newsfeed ko nang may nakita akong shared post mula sa isang kaibigan.

Ang shared post hahaha

“Ay demanding friend!”, ang unang sumagi sa isipan ko. Pero naalala ko na ganito rin ako noong elementary. May naging crush kasi ako noon for four solid years. Ako na nahihiya sa sarili ko tuwing matatandaan ko yung mga techniques na ginamit ko dati, nagbabakasakaling i-crushback niya.

Mga Petmalung Galawan para Mapansin ni Crush

  • I-like lahat ng post niya sa Facebook
  • Tulungan siya sa homeworks (Tulungan nga ba? Baka ikaw na gumawa eh)
  • Ilibre si crush
  • Panoorin yung favorite series niya
  • Act “normal” kapag napapadaan siya

Ilan lang ‘yan sa mga ginamit kong paraan noong elementary. Minsan napapaisip na lang ako kung gaano ako kadesperado ma-crushback dati. Tsaka bakit four years kang na-stuck sa isang tao self? ‘Di naman siya kagwapuhan. ‘Di rin matalino o masipag. Ang hilig pa nga makipag-away. Bad boy fad enthusiast ka ba?

Buti na lang pagpasok ko ng highschool, naka-move on na ako (Naging kayo?). Mas tumapang ako noong junior high! Naalala ko yung isa kong crush na senior ko, niregaluhan ko pa ng bagong damit. May girlfriend pala si kuya, na-issue pa tuloy ako. Ang tapang ko kasi umamin dati. Dalawang guy ang naka-MU ko na pero lahat ‘yon nauwi na sa friendship kasi I realized my priorities in life.

Pero linawin ko lang, nagkaka-crush pa rin naman ako. Hindi na nga lang ako naamin. Which takes me back sa nabanggit kong post na nasa itaas. Maaaring for fun lang ‘yon pero hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng pressure mula doon sa pahayag.

Bakit bet na bet ng maraming kabataan na piliting ma-crushback?

Nakakahaba naman talaga ng buhok kapag alam mong crush ka rin ni crush. Pero ang pangit naman kung napilitan lang siya kasi ang kulit mo. Tawagin na akong duwag pero ‘di na talaga ako basta-bastang umaamin lately. May mga crush kasi na nagsisimula sa small friendship. As much as I want to express myself, I don’t want to confuse the person with my feelings. Ayaw kong magkaroon ng awkwardness. Or may kailangang mag-adjust para sa isa.

Minsan may mga crush tayo na gusto lang nating makita na happy sila, umaasenso ganern. Kung sakaling crush din tayo, edi masaya. Pero kung hindi, sana ‘wag nating ipagpilitan. Kasi may mga taong mabilis ma-pressure ng emotions. Baka imbes na maging inspiration ka eh distraction ang punta. Admire from afar. ‘Yan na ang galawan ko ngayon.

‘Di naman required ang crushback. Pero kung sakaling pareho na kayo ng nararamdaman, siguraduhing may clarity at mabuting patutunguhan bago niyo palalimin ‘yan.

Relax

Beaches hold a special place in my adventurous heart. I’ve always loved the feeling of sand beneath my feet. Always have admired what the dunes look like on sunrise and sunsets. Always have enjoyed the teasing waves by the shore.

I remember how much I enjoyed playing in the sand when I was younger. It always takes me back to Genesis, a book in the bible. Similar to how the stars remind me of God’s promise to Abraham, the sand reminds me of how magnificently infinite and immeasurable His love is. That, relaxes me. Besides the countless fine dust, the enticing waters also mesmerizes me. Haven’t you had that thrilling thought of discovering what hides beneath that vast blanket of blue? Always so eager to dive but too scared to stay underwater. Just like every opportunity in life. I often swim straight to it, taking the risk unprepared. When the waves and the current are too strong to overcome, I always find myself drifting back to shore. Starting back from scratch. And that’s not a bad thing at all. We’ll be able to map out the sea of life and watch out for the deep waters when we’re strong enough to jump back in.

Another thing that makes beaches wonderful is the view that we get whenever the sun rises or sets. Nature’s alarm comes in popping shades of orange, red and yellow. It is such a massive canvas! And out of all the artists that I know, nature is the best one out there. No one can play with light and darkness quite like how it does. If you haven’t seen a breathtaking masterpiece yet, I urge you to just wait for the sun to either reveal or hide itself when you’re on a beach. You too, will find it relaxing.

There is so much to notice and appreciate in this world. We often see it but seldom observe. Perhaps, the peace that you’ve been searching for so long, can be found when you see with your heart as you let your eyes roam.

What Would You Do

If a stranger comes to you, saying that they want to end their life
What’s the right thing to reply?
If a child asks you what makes you smile
Will it be alright to tell a lie?

If teens share their identity crises with you
How do you put yourself in their shoes?
If adults belittle you in anyway
Is talking back really okay?

If an enemy seeks your forgiveness tomorrow
Where do we get the mercy to borrow?
If a friend leaves you hanging in the air one day
Will the friendship still be worth it today?

If a family suddenly leaves you behind
Do we have all the strength that we could find?
If a lover proposes to spend their life with you
Are you ready to settle and tell them “I do”?

If life gives you lemons, a bag or a sack
Will you make some lemonade or just give it back?
If death gives the power to decide to you
How would you feel and what would you do?



Back to Dust

Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it.

Ecclesiastes 12:7 KJV

The thought of death was once an extremely scary concept to me. A matter that I tried to ignore in the past. Maybe I was frightened of the idea of leaving everything behind in a single snap. Or perhaps I didn’t really care about it at all.

But that was then. My perspective had changed. Or still in the process of changing, I guess.

I now want to live long.
Long enough to fulfill my purpose.
Long enough to encourage people to accomplish theirs.
I hope to live long enough to be able to make even the slightest bit of positive change in this world.

However, if anything does happen to me beyond my plans. Be it accidental or destined to be, I’ll accept my fate. But there are a few things that I ask for those who’ll be left behind.

Don’t spend life weeping. Move on and treasure the moments we made and make more memories with people.
Don’t spend life in regret. Forgive yourself and replace that regret with actions meant for the ones that are still by your side.
Do look for the things you miss about me from the people close to you. Fill in that void.
Do lend a shoulder to those who are in sorrow. You know how it feels, you know what they need.

Don’t just pity or admire the life that I lived. Do learn from it to improve how you live.

And most importantly, I hope you see how God worked in my life. Remember it and use it to draw yourself closer to Him. Because, there’s nothing more that I can give you when my body returns to the ground. But I have the faith that I shared with you, the faith that I wish you would strengthen. Hold on to that and allow me to turn back to dust.


Banyuhay

Huwag mong pigilan ang pag-iibang anyo
Lahat dumadaan sa pagbabago

Tanda mo pa ba noong paslit ka pa lang?
Makulit, matakaw at mahilig maglagalag
Tulad ng malusog na uod na nakatambay sa inyong halamanan
Pero ‘di hamak na mas maswerte ka kaysa sa munting insekto
Mag-isa silang naglalakbay, ‘di tulad mo
May kapamilya, kaibigan o katukayo
At oo, alam kong mas kumplikado ang buhay ng tao

Ngunit hindi mo ba batid na tulad ng maliit na nilalang
Tayo rin ay nakararanas ng banyuhay
Isang mahalagang proseso sa ating buhay
Gaya ng kanilang pamamalagi sa isang bahay-uod
Ay ang simula natin sa mas malalim na pagkilala sa sarili
Nakakapag-isip, nakakapagmuni-muni
Pinaghahandaan ang paglipad sa malawak na mundo

‘Wag na nating ikaila
‘Wag na magpanggap
Hindi madali ang pagdadaanang pagsubok na ito
Kalilituhan ang tama sa mali
Mapapatanong kung katumbas ba ng bawat sandaling
Masusugatan, madudurog
Ang naghihintay na bukas
Baka pwedeng hanggang dito na lang
Dito sa loob ng kukun kung saan ligtas
Kung saan ‘di ko na kailangang lumabas
At harapin ang panganib ng mundo

Kaibigan, huwag mong pigilan ang pag-iibang anyo
Lahat dumadaan sa pagbabago

Sikapin mong makawala sa kinalalagyang kahon
Buksan mo ang isip sa kung ano ang nasa ngayon
Pahalagahan mo kung paano ka pinagtitibay ng panahon
Kilalanin mo kung sino nakasama mo simula noon

Tulad ng paru-parong inaalam kung paano lumipad
Hayaan mong ikaw ay unti-unting makibagay
At sa sandaling simulan mo ang iyong paglalakbay
Ika’y masabik at mag-ingat sa kung saan ka dadalhin ng iyong pakpak

Pocket Adventure

What’s the best way to travel?

When I asked this to my friends, there was a variety of answers. Some suggested walking. The others preferred to ride a vehicle. There’s a few who answered my question with another question. But none of them came close to what I had in mind.

As you may already know by now, I love to explore. But I can’t afford to visit places in person. Sometimes, I would tag along with my mother on her adventures but when that isn’t an available option, I go to the nearest book store. Now, this might be confusing for a lot of people however, I’m confident that bookworms know what I mean.

Some of my most recent travels

The image that you see contains some of the books that I have in my collection. These are my tickets. Would you believe me if I told you that all these are worth not more than 150 Philippine Peso? That’s because most of them were gifts from good friends and the rest are the ones that I bought. And oh! I only buy them on sale. Newly released ones are too much for my budget as a student.

Focusing more on these precious sets of paper, I’m reminded of the wondrous adventures I experienced. I’ve gone to places that no money can purchase (Probably ’cause they don’t exist hahaha). And I’ve met various people as I went. They gave me feelings of all sorts. I fell in love, wept and moved on. I even found myself pretending to be the world’s greatest detective at some point! What a treat indeed.

Books allow me to travel without having to spend so much. Without the hassle of transportation. Without the drama of getting lost. The best feature that I love about travelling by reading is the ability to pause the trip. When it gets a bit overwhelming, it’s always nice to have the option to take a break. Get your composure back before you continue. And boy do I absolutely like how my mind designs each character and setting! It really helps me to feel as if I’ve been sucked into the story like how the movies would show.

I say all of these but still, nothing beats an actual sense-engaging experience. It’s just that, pocket adventures serve as my go to stress-reliever whenever I start to miss the outside world. It is, in my perspective, the best way one can travel without the hassle.

Poot at Paglaya

Sino ka kapag ikaw ay galit?
Napopoot at may hinanakit?

Ngayong araw ay nasaksihan ko kung paano kinokontrol ng sama ng loob ang isang tao.
Wala namang nagbago, lumala lang. Kung dati’y masasakit na salita lang ang ibinabato nila sa bawat isa, bangko at matalim na gunting na ang aking nakita. Nakakarindi at nakakalungkot na makitang nag-aaway mga kasamahan mo sa bahay. Lugar na dapat nagpaparamdam ng pagmamahal at ligtas na akap. Unti-unting binabalot ng takot at pagkadismaya.

Ngayon ay malaki ang aking pangamba. Lalo na sa aking nakababatang kapatid. Kaya siguro ganon na lamang ang pag-iingat ko na hindi niya makita o marinig ang alitan na nakasanayan ko. Takot akong lumaki siya na palasagot at walang galang. Tulad ko noong ako’y bata at walang kamuwang-muwang.

Tunay ngang masakit ang sugat ng dati. Pansin mo ba kung bakit hindi agad naghilom ang sugat mo sa tuhod noong minsa’y nadapa ka? Kailangan ng mahabang oras at pasensya para gumaling ito. Kaya’t mahirap bigyang lunas ang sugat na paulit-ulit nating kinakalikot at inuungkat. Mahirap makulong sa rehas ng nakaraang patuloy nating binabalik-balikan. ‘Di ko man lubusang mabatid ang nasirang relasyon sa pagitan ng aking tiyahin at lola, matagal ko nang napagtanto na walang mabuting idudulot ang pusong ‘di marunong magpatawad. Hindi matutulungan ng panahon ang isang taong ‘di nakukuntento sa kung ano ang nasa kasalukuyan. At lalong mahirap baguhin ang taong lulong na sa mali at walang intensyong bumuti.

Sinong mag-aakala na ang masiyahin at malambing na ako ay lumaki pala sa isang tahanang madalas may bangayan. ‘Di ko rin lubos maisip kung paano ko napapanatiling matatag at makatao ang aking sarili. Ngunit alam ko na Diyos na ang nagbabantay sa aking nararamdaman. Kahit kailan ay ayokong balutin ng kasamaan ang puso ko. Hindi ko gustong mandilim ang paningin ko at makagawa ng bagay na pagsisisihan ko habangbuhay. At ito rin marahil ang hiling ko para sa lahat ng tao sa mundo.

Huwag mong hayaang lamunin at baguhin ka ng galit.
Huwag kang padadaig sa poot, palayain ang sarili mula sa hinanakit.

Ambiverted

I’ve always known myself to be the talkative type. The one with overflowing self-expression. I even got myself into trouble because of this outgoing personality.

However, people have told me about another side of mine that I, initially, wasn’t really aware of. A lot of my friends have told me that I would often stare off the distance for a worrying amount of time. I must’ve freaked them out big time to a point where one of them thought that I was bipolar. Kaloka! I have no mental disorders but I do enjoy having internal monologues. There are moments that I’d rather have my thoughts accompany me than having people to do it. I have moments when I don’t feel like talking at all. And I had only realized this recently. Only started to appreciate it not long ago.

But dang, it sure is strange! To be extra and conservative at certain times. I believe experts have a word for it. Ambivert? Is that the medical classification of my personality? Well, whatever it is, I’m okay with the way I am right now. I just hope to balance it well so people don’t mistake me for being two-faced.

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