Never Zero

I remember my first experience of feeling alone in what was supposed to be a fellowship.

Sadness is what I first felt when I realized that nobody was going to attend the fellowship we’ve set up for the youth of our campus. I saw that most of them were online that’s why I expected for them to be present but perhaps their dry seasons were at play.

Then I felt like a disappointment. Maybe it was me who’s at fault. Was I not eager enough? Not passionate enough? Am I lacking on more effort? These questions were running through my mind as I stared at myself on the laptop screen.

So this is what my mentor experienced when all her colleagues left her to be the last youth standing in her time, I thought. And so I messaged her. I told her about this new obstacle. “Zero is not that bad.”, is what she replied. I was gonna agree but then I remembered that I was there. It’s never zero as long as there is one person remaining, standing, praying.

That was when I decided to stay. To spend the next hour waiting. “Kahit isang kabataan lang ang pumasok, itutuloy ko mag-speak.” Suddenly, I was determined to wait. Then I got a message from one of my friends, apologizing that she wouldn’t be able to make it. She had to stick with her hospitalized mother. Now, the thought of her even messaging me at such urgent situation just to apologize made me feel something. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I do know that I wanted to pray for them. “Kung walang youth na papasok, itutuloy ko ang pagdarasal.” And I did. I prayed for Karla and her mother. I prayed for the youth who weren’t able to attend. I prayed for the whole campus.

Then I thanked God.

Because He made me realize a lot of stuff. He made me see the bigger picture. He proved to me that it was never zero to begin with. I wasn’t alone. Never alone for He was there. Always had been there testing my patience. Teaching me how to manage my expectations. Aiding me to handle my thoughts and emotions. At the end, God was there to comfort and remind me that many moments like this will come. And in these situations we will be able to reflect. Will we stop and turn back to where the people are gathering? Or will we continue despite being alone in the journey towards Him?

Insomiac

Funny how I advise people to sleep early
When I can’t even put my mind at rest
It’s foolish how I hope to be more healthy
When my sleep cycle’s a mess

Maybe it’s the thoughts that keep me awake
Or just the chilly breeze of the night
Is it the scenarios that I’m trying to make
Or the debates in my head, weighing the wrong and the right

Why is it so easy to overthink
To worry, to fear with every blink
To cry and to weep under the sheets
To ponder on the things and people I miss

Do I long for a warm embrace through the night?
Am I unknowingly hoping for arms to hold tight?
Perhaps all that I need for my mind to get sleep
Is someone beside me, just counting sheep

Favs & Hates

In life, there are several things that I like and a few that I distaste. And there are those that I have a love-hate relationship with.

Water is something that I love. Be it the liquid that I drink or perhaps that pool that I often think about in this summer heat. I also like it when it falls from the sky in the form of rain. It’s a sign that I’ll be able to spend the day at home, reading books or sleeping.

As I write this piece, I just realized that I like the wind, the plants, and the animals as well. So I guess it’s safe to say that I like nature. The wild and untouched type of nature. This must be the reason why out of all the songs from my childhood, Colors of the Wind is the closest to my heart. This appreciation for the environment is one of the things that I hope to share with my children someday.

Moving on, thinking of the things that I consider as irritating isn’t really my cup of tea. I’m training myself to see the good in everything. But whenever I’m asked about this matter, I share my dislike on narcissistic and manipulative people. More accurately, I hate the characteristic and not the person. I think they’re the hardest ones to deal with. That’s why I try to keep my distance when I do meet them in person.

When it comes to my love-hate relationships, top of my list are chihuahuas. Don’t ask why. Then tricycles, crickets, and wasabi. It’s a random list, I know. But I’m gonna save the storytime for my future writings.

I wasn’t sure at first, where my thoughts would take me as I typed. However, it’s nice to be able to reflect every once in a while. It would be nicer to talk about things like these in person but I guess I’ll have to wait until I get to see my friends again. Until then, I have my screen to accompany me each night.

When Tears Fall

Ever noticed that uneasy feeling when something or someone triggers your deepest fear, pain, regret or disappointment?

How you try your hardest to shake it off as you put up a façade? Pretending. Fooling no one but yourself.

I know it well. Especially when the mask I’ve put up gets too heavy to bear. Then you start laughing and distracting yourself from the boiling emotion inside you. That nervous chuckle. I know it when I hear one. ‘Cause I know how mine sounds.

And finally, you stop trying to hide. You let your walls break down. And when those tears fall, it feels as if you’re at your lowest, most vulnerable self.

But how is it that comfort can suddenly replace the outburst after some time? Like how the sea calms once the storm had passed. It marvels me how we can still pick ourselves up when tears fall. Reminding us of the temporary struggle we need to overcome for us to learn how to let go and move forward.

So next time you find yourself expressing your sadness, I hope you don’t take it as weakness. I hope you’ll think of it as a turning point to what you’ve been trying to suppress. A catalyst of change, if you will.

White Blob of Paint

We’re all a blob of white paint on a blank palette
Pale and untouched
But with the dip of a new color
We are transformed to a new wonder

A hint of red will turn us pink
Blushed and sweet to see
Add some more to get a passionate hue
Too much will stir anger in you

If cherry is not something you fancy
Add orange or yellow and make things lively
See the energy flow as you mix it away
Does it give you a smile and make your day?

When you’re feeling wild or a bit mysterious
A pinch of green is the option to take
Like that of a busy jungle, the type to make you curious
Curious to explore the vast green lake

Perhaps you long for the calmness of the sky
Put a little blue, or a bit more will do
And when you wish to float on water and cry
It won’t hurt to put everything too

But if you’re feeling rare and feisty
Purple or violet, which ever it may be
No judgement on that, to use it is free
A bold pretty color for you and me

Now if you wish to mix all the colors you have
Expect for a dark brown, dark gray, or black
Or you can leave everything just as it is
A blob of white paint on a blank palette

Crush Mo Nga, Crush Ka Ba

Required na ba ngayon na i-crushback ni crush?

Mapayapa akong nagbabasa ng mga posts na nasa Facebook newsfeed ko nang may nakita akong shared post mula sa isang kaibigan.

Ang shared post hahaha

“Ay demanding friend!”, ang unang sumagi sa isipan ko. Pero naalala ko na ganito rin ako noong elementary. May naging crush kasi ako noon for four solid years. Ako na nahihiya sa sarili ko tuwing matatandaan ko yung mga techniques na ginamit ko dati, nagbabakasakaling i-crushback niya.

Mga Petmalung Galawan para Mapansin ni Crush

  • I-like lahat ng post niya sa Facebook
  • Tulungan siya sa homeworks (Tulungan nga ba? Baka ikaw na gumawa eh)
  • Ilibre si crush
  • Panoorin yung favorite series niya
  • Act “normal” kapag napapadaan siya

Ilan lang ‘yan sa mga ginamit kong paraan noong elementary. Minsan napapaisip na lang ako kung gaano ako kadesperado ma-crushback dati. Tsaka bakit four years kang na-stuck sa isang tao self? ‘Di naman siya kagwapuhan. ‘Di rin matalino o masipag. Ang hilig pa nga makipag-away. Bad boy fad enthusiast ka ba?

Buti na lang pagpasok ko ng highschool, naka-move on na ako (Naging kayo?). Mas tumapang ako noong junior high! Naalala ko yung isa kong crush na senior ko, niregaluhan ko pa ng bagong damit. May girlfriend pala si kuya, na-issue pa tuloy ako. Ang tapang ko kasi umamin dati. Dalawang guy ang naka-MU ko na pero lahat ‘yon nauwi na sa friendship kasi I realized my priorities in life.

Pero linawin ko lang, nagkaka-crush pa rin naman ako. Hindi na nga lang ako naamin. Which takes me back sa nabanggit kong post na nasa itaas. Maaaring for fun lang ‘yon pero hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng pressure mula doon sa pahayag.

Bakit bet na bet ng maraming kabataan na piliting ma-crushback?

Nakakahaba naman talaga ng buhok kapag alam mong crush ka rin ni crush. Pero ang pangit naman kung napilitan lang siya kasi ang kulit mo. Tawagin na akong duwag pero ‘di na talaga ako basta-bastang umaamin lately. May mga crush kasi na nagsisimula sa small friendship. As much as I want to express myself, I don’t want to confuse the person with my feelings. Ayaw kong magkaroon ng awkwardness. Or may kailangang mag-adjust para sa isa.

Minsan may mga crush tayo na gusto lang nating makita na happy sila, umaasenso ganern. Kung sakaling crush din tayo, edi masaya. Pero kung hindi, sana ‘wag nating ipagpilitan. Kasi may mga taong mabilis ma-pressure ng emotions. Baka imbes na maging inspiration ka eh distraction ang punta. Admire from afar. ‘Yan na ang galawan ko ngayon.

‘Di naman required ang crushback. Pero kung sakaling pareho na kayo ng nararamdaman, siguraduhing may clarity at mabuting patutunguhan bago niyo palalimin ‘yan.

Relax

Beaches hold a special place in my adventurous heart. I’ve always loved the feeling of sand beneath my feet. Always have admired what the dunes look like on sunrise and sunsets. Always have enjoyed the teasing waves by the shore.

I remember how much I enjoyed playing in the sand when I was younger. It always takes me back to Genesis, a book in the bible. Similar to how the stars remind me of God’s promise to Abraham, the sand reminds me of how magnificently infinite and immeasurable His love is. That, relaxes me. Besides the countless fine dust, the enticing waters also mesmerizes me. Haven’t you had that thrilling thought of discovering what hides beneath that vast blanket of blue? Always so eager to dive but too scared to stay underwater. Just like every opportunity in life. I often swim straight to it, taking the risk unprepared. When the waves and the current are too strong to overcome, I always find myself drifting back to shore. Starting back from scratch. And that’s not a bad thing at all. We’ll be able to map out the sea of life and watch out for the deep waters when we’re strong enough to jump back in.

Another thing that makes beaches wonderful is the view that we get whenever the sun rises or sets. Nature’s alarm comes in popping shades of orange, red and yellow. It is such a massive canvas! And out of all the artists that I know, nature is the best one out there. No one can play with light and darkness quite like how it does. If you haven’t seen a breathtaking masterpiece yet, I urge you to just wait for the sun to either reveal or hide itself when you’re on a beach. You too, will find it relaxing.

There is so much to notice and appreciate in this world. We often see it but seldom observe. Perhaps, the peace that you’ve been searching for so long, can be found when you see with your heart as you let your eyes roam.

What Would You Do

If a stranger comes to you, saying that they want to end their life
What’s the right thing to reply?
If a child asks you what makes you smile
Will it be alright to tell a lie?

If teens share their identity crises with you
How do you put yourself in their shoes?
If adults belittle you in anyway
Is talking back really okay?

If an enemy seeks your forgiveness tomorrow
Where do we get the mercy to borrow?
If a friend leaves you hanging in the air one day
Will the friendship still be worth it today?

If a family suddenly leaves you behind
Do we have all the strength that we could find?
If a lover proposes to spend their life with you
Are you ready to settle and tell them “I do”?

If life gives you lemons, a bag or a sack
Will you make some lemonade or just give it back?
If death gives the power to decide to you
How would you feel and what would you do?



Back to Dust

Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it.

Ecclesiastes 12:7 KJV

The thought of death was once an extremely scary concept to me. A matter that I tried to ignore in the past. Maybe I was frightened of the idea of leaving everything behind in a single snap. Or perhaps I didn’t really care about it at all.

But that was then. My perspective had changed. Or still in the process of changing, I guess.

I now want to live long.
Long enough to fulfill my purpose.
Long enough to encourage people to accomplish theirs.
I hope to live long enough to be able to make even the slightest bit of positive change in this world.

However, if anything does happen to me beyond my plans. Be it accidental or destined to be, I’ll accept my fate. But there are a few things that I ask for those who’ll be left behind.

Don’t spend life weeping. Move on and treasure the moments we made and make more memories with people.
Don’t spend life in regret. Forgive yourself and replace that regret with actions meant for the ones that are still by your side.
Do look for the things you miss about me from the people close to you. Fill in that void.
Do lend a shoulder to those who are in sorrow. You know how it feels, you know what they need.

Don’t just pity or admire the life that I lived. Do learn from it to improve how you live.

And most importantly, I hope you see how God worked in my life. Remember it and use it to draw yourself closer to Him. Because, there’s nothing more that I can give you when my body returns to the ground. But I have the faith that I shared with you, the faith that I wish you would strengthen. Hold on to that and allow me to turn back to dust.


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