Night Owl Thoughts

The Joy In Online Learning

With a wide yawn, sleepy eyes and a half-awake spirit, I gently opened my laptop screen and entered my password to start another journey to the online world. The morning
light woke me up a few minutes ago and forced me to drag myself to my current position. A laptop in front, water at the right side and a quick breakfast on the left. Looking at my
reflection on the screen reminds me that I certainly am not a morning person. Oh well! It’s not like I’m attending a beauty pageant anyway, it’s my first online class subject that I should be worried about. While scanning through my ever so active inbox for our classroom link, I
wondered if I had finished all my pending tasks online. “Did I even study in advance for today’s lesson?”, I thought. But a single question threw everything that I had been thinking
about when I entered our first class for Tuesday: Do I still even enjoy learning?

Seeing the same faces I had seen yesterday, the same look that I also have every morning, the question is almost immediately answered. Ma’am Xaris’ camera is the first one I look for to check if it’s on. I always want to see if she has the same “woke up like this” moment like the rest of the class but that doesn’t seem to be the case right now. Because her camera is off. I then look at Aaron’s to appreciate his long hair. Then I looked at Rafa to check if she had already taken a bath. Seeing that her hair is dry brings me relief. I’m not the only one who hasn’t taken a shower on this cold morning. I secretly checked my buzzing phone and saw that Kyla was silently having a small chit-chat in our groupchat.

“Natutulog ka Rian?” she typed.
“Oo nga, parang tulog siya kasi nakapikit.” Francis added before I could reply to Kyla.
“Nakayuko lang ako kasi chineck ko message niyo hmp!” I replied before immediately turning off my cellphone to focus on the class.

The best thing about the first online classes is that even our teachers are as absentminded as everyone else most of the time. I enjoy seeing this similarity but I do wonder if they got
enough sleep from last night. Because I know that I didn’t! Another moment that I thoroughly enjoy is looking at the epic faces of my classmates who, unfortunately, had their internet
signal interrupted. I know for a fact that Francis would’ve already taken a screenshot the second he realizes the situation. I had been one of his unlucky victims. But then who can I
blame when I have such an animated facial expression worthy of becoming a meme. I wonder if my cousin, Charlie, who is also an online learner, suffers from stolen shots online.

Moving on, I remember that one time when my little sister, Rueca, threw a tantrum downstairs because she wanted to play with me and Charlie. The moment she came into view of my camera, I saw the faces of my classmates suddenly light up. Even the teacher had noticed the cute stranger and awed with the class. I knew at that moment how refreshing it might have felt to look at such an innocent face. Not a single trace of stress
compared to our worn-out faces. But that’s life isn’t it? You slowly grow up and have things to think about. Not necessarily stress about, like what I usually do though.

Thinking about these moments that I enjoy makes distance learning bearable. It fuels me to move forward to the next online class. It motivates me to learn. And with a wide yawn,
sleepy eyes and a half-awake spirit, I gently closed my laptop screen and entered my bedroom to end the journey I had experienced once more in the online world.

Helping Hand from the Past

Don’t you miss the afternoon naps? Those care-free moments of our childhood? Because I do. I miss how wonderful the world looked to my 5-year old self. I miss having nothing to lose.

I also like to look back at the moments when I was 15. When I was foolish enough to think that I knew what life and love was all about. When my world revolved around school and myself. Selfish, I know.

But I’m thankful for those younger years. If I hadn’t once been a child, I wouldn’t have the appreciation for fun. I won’t be so curious to know the wonders of life. I won’t be so teachable. And if I hadn’t gone through my ripe teenage years, life would be boring. I might never know how to take risks. I might not be able to extract the lesson from the mistakes I’ve made. And I might never have taken the time to explore until I found the Lord. Or until He found me.

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why
Mark Twain

Without these phases, it’ll be difficult to know the latter part of Twain’s quote. It’ll be hard to accept that we lack the knowledge about our purpose. If it weren’t for the past, we won’t ever know what improvements to make within ourselves as we face the present and the future. But I do want to clarify that God might meet us at different age stamps. I’m grateful to have met Him as a youth but it is no less than another person who met the Lord at the age of 30. What’s important is that when you meet Him, you accept His gracious offer to guide you along your life’s journey.

Saying: Thank you God! Please equip me and send me according to Your great plan!

Letting Go

We have different views on the concept of letting go. Some find it painful while others see it as freedom.

I fall on both categories.

Back when I was younger, I’ve always been the type who will have a crush on someone for a couple of years or not have a crush at all. There is no in between. And it remained at that stage. A mere infatuation if you will. It wasn’t until 10th grade that I had the courage to confess and enter a mutual understanding with a guy. I remember how lucky I felt, thinking that I had found “Mr. Right” like how my generation would call him. Ignorance sure is bliss.

We acted like lovers without the proper label or commitment. Holding hands, longing stares and sweet words. We never did anything over the line but still, that secret love story continued for almost three years! It would have lasted for much longer if I didn’t realize how wrong it was. Perhaps it was sometime last December when it hit me. When God started to show me signs. It was then that I realized that I had been pretending when I had fallen out of love already. I no longer see a future with him and yet, I kept him, thinking that it’s just a phase. But when 2021 started, God started to move.

My ministry mentors were talking about their love lives that Sunday and I was the only mentee hanging around with them. I was listening. And then I started asking. At first, I tried to make it look like I was asking for a friend but I told them the truth about my situation anyway.

Hanapin mo muna sarili mo kay Lord. Magsumiksik ka sa Kanya. At your age, dapat alam mo na priorities mo.
One of my mentors

I cried. Not just for myself but for the guy as well. I was wondering how he would feel if I told him that we had to end what we had. But at that point, I was still torn between being in denial and letting go. That’s when I responded to God’s sign by pouring out my heart during the service. Then I soon did what I had to do. It sucks that we had to end things over a video call because of the pandemic. However, he was extremely understanding and calm at that moment. But I know that behind the façade, he was hurting. There even was a moment of hesitation in my head but I brushed it off. It’s better to get it over with early than pretend and multiply the pain if I waited until we met in person. I was determined to set things right.

It must have took me one and a half month to fully move on. During those days, I reassessed my priorities. I wanted to put God on top of my list so I did! I also thought about the future. If one day, God decides to introduce the right one, I pray that he loves Jesus more than he will love me. A God-centered man, doesn’t that sounds nice? And there’s the possibility that I’m meant to stay single and just focus on serving God and His people. Whichever is according to His will, that’s a win-win for me!

Letting go truly is painful but there’s freedom in it when God teaches you how to handle it. This is another lesson that I learned as I grow deeper in the Lord.

One Summer Getaway

Adventures have always been a part of my life. They provide the thrill and the fun that I seek as a young person. Perhaps being exposed to a lot of travelling makes you long for the wondrous places across the globe. I’m positive that my mother successfully shared her passion with me by bringing me to unexpected destinations.

One particular vacation that I can’t forget is our Bolinao getaway. I still remember the relaxing turquoise ripples as I carefully made my way through the Enchanted Cave, half of
my body submerged in cold spring water. I do miss the calmness that I felt being underground. The cave lived up to its name. It was as enchanting as how I imagined the
lakes and rivers in the fantasy books that I had at home. It makes you forget about the busy world above.

The moment we reached the end of the cave tunnel, it only took a few steps for us to see the magnificent Bolinao Falls. It took me a few minutes to accept that such a place
exists. The water fooled me into thinking that it’s a newly-cleaned swimming pool. It was extremely clear that I could see my feet as if I had my eyes underwater wearing goggles. Once again, I miss the cooling embrace of the water. But how can I forget the raging falls that muffled the shout of my mother, telling me not to get near the rocks below the cascade. I
was already on top of one rock when my mother had no choice but to snap a picture of me.

Picture of me trying to balance myself on top of that rock

Going through that memory makes me want to go back. It may just be an ordinary vacation to some but I can’t say the same. Every moment spoke to me. From the wild waterfall that represented my outgoing demeanor to the serene cave which reminded me of the beauty of peace. I found myself wanting to be one with nature. And I still feel the same despite the long quarantine.

I’m continually hoping for another fantastic experience like that one summer getaway.

Mask Up, Guard Up

As I was about to take a step outside our gate, I froze and remembered that I had forgotten to wear a mask.

The change brought upon by the new normal may be troublesome to others. Some might consider it as an advantage. No matter what we might think of the situation at hand,
we all must stick to the goal of creating a COVID-free environment for everyone.

Everybody plays a part. Fighting against this pandemic is not a one-man job. It is true that medical health workers should be on the lead in this battle however, if we can’t
contribute in any way to prevent the spread, that line of defense will fall and the outcome will only get worse. It baffles me to hear about “anti-maskers” across North America who are claiming that their government has been lying to them and are refusing to follow simple
public safety protocols such as wearing a mask. Fortunately, anti-maskers are not much of a
problem in our country. Perhaps Filipinos are more worried and aware of the risk of infecting or getting the virus. This is a good start.

Young ones who have the energy and the time to do a lot of things must actively participate in educating their fellowmen to mask up and get their guards up. As a student, the privilege of education must be put into good use by spreading reliable information on COVID19. We must stand up for the future. I don’t want us to still be worried of the same
pandemic that could’ve been solved if protocols were met. If everyone took caution instead of acting carelessly. Combat the virus with right knowledge and just actions.

That’s how I want to contribute so I went back inside the house and got myself a mask and shield before I went off.

Liham Kay Tatay

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam ang dahilan ng iyong paglisan. Ngunit huwag mo sanang isipin na ako’y puno ng galit at hinanakit sa’yo. Lumaki akong mabilis magpatawad. Ayaw kong mapuno ng kasamaan ang aking puso kaya’t kung ano man ang iyong rason ay tatanggapin ko.

Hindi ko tanda kung nasilayan ba kita noong ako’y sanggol pa. Minsan ay napapaisip ako kung ano ang anyo ng iyong mukha. Ano kaya ang mga bagay na namana ko sa iyo? Wala akong ideya kung saang parte ng mundo ka naninirahan. Hindi rin ako sigurado kung ikaw ba’y nabubuhay pa dahil wala na kaming balita sa iyo. Tay, minsan ba’y napapaisip ka kung ano na ang nangyari sa akin? Sa amin ni Mama?

Nais kong malaman mo na masaya at kontento ako sa buhay ko ngayon. Hindi man ako lumaki ng may haligi ng tahanan, isang dakila at mapagmahal na Ama naman ang nakilala ko. Siya rin ang nagpatibay kina Mama at Tita na siyang nagpalaki sa amin ng aking pinsan sa abot ng kanilang makakaya. Hiling ko na maayos at makulay pa rin ang buhay mo. ‘Wag ka sana manigarilyo at mag-inom dahil masama sa kalusugan ‘yan.

Lubos pa rin akong matutuwa kapag nagkita tayong dalawa. Sa pagkakataong iyon ay maipapamalas ko sa’yo ang mga naabot ko habang ako’y naglalakbay sa mundo. Maipapakita ko sa iyo kung gaano katalino at kasipag ang anak mo. Higit sa lahat, mababahagi ko sa’yo kung paano ako pinagpala ng Diyos sa buhay ko.

Mahal na mahal kita Tay!

Tides

Intimidating are the waves that guard the sea. Which like our lives, can be unexpected and overwhelming. But similar to how the tides change every so often, this journey of ours will always have its highs and lows.

If you ever find yourself in high tides, observe how loud the roars of the water get. See how high they jump as if they’re trying to reach for the sky. After some time, the waves are pulled back. Revealing the rocks that cause the water to dance. But if you’d look more closely at the scene before you, you’ll see different lives that once were hidden under that blanket of blue.

When you find yourself amidst the lowest tide, remind yourself that life continues to strive. It’s the chance to clear out the rocks that block your way. Time to know how to overcome even the angriest of seas the next day.

Birthday Bash

I’ve gotten used to not celebrating my birthday in the grandest way possible. To be honest, I don’t really remember if I truly have been happy to receive gifts and cakes when I was younger. But I’m not an ungrateful brat. Let me just throw that out so you won’t misunderstand. I do think it’s likely because of the mindset that I grew up with.

You see, I’ve always wanted to share everything that I have with other people. My single mother raised me to have a heart for those who are in need. Hindi mo kailangang maging sobrang yaman bago ka makatulong sa iba. Tried and tested yan! This might just be the reason why I don’t fancy celebrating birthdays in its traditional style.

I feel for those who haven’t enjoyed the feeling of receiving acts of care. Those who seldom get gifts of kindness. My heart extends for those who forced themselves to not enjoy the simple things in life just because they’re underprivileged. I’ve already had my fair share of love and attention. It’s overflowing and I don’t want to cherish it by myself. I want to share it.

Solidong Araw ng Pagmamahal, Yakap Para sa Lahat
LYFJSHS HUMSS SOC Outreach Program

This picture was taken back in December 2019. It always feels fulfilling to be part of outreach programs. My mother often made me tag along on her voluntary works when I was younger but it was this particular program that inspired me to conduct an outreach birthday bash on my 18th birthday this year.

Benjo and his jolly friend after the gift giving

Seeing the mix of shy and expressive reactions from the children reminds me of how good life can be. That despite our personal dealings, God will always send people and situations to remind us that there is more to appreciate.

I pray that I don’t lose the heart of a child who is filled with joy over a simple act of kindness. I pray that I could share it with people around me. I hope that we don’t miss the opportunity to let people feel that they are loved and taken care of.

Coming to terms

I’ve always expected that reaching the age of 18 will be the same as how we’ve gone through the earlier years of our lives. Just another year to experience. However, as the months progress this 2021, I’ve been noticing the frequent internal monologues that I have. Part of it is composed of me scolding myself for procrastinating. But most of the time, it’s the realizations that occupy the space in my thoughts.

It sure is strange but quite enlightening at the same time. And I consider it as part of God’s plan. I once was lost in this superficial world. Not giving a single care about the future. Always been that “happy go lucky” type of a person. But last year, the same month as today, I met people who have been continuously leading me closer to God. Mind you, it didn’t happen right away. I got to enjoy two physical fellowships with Youth Empowered Generals before the lockdown kicked in. During the first couple months, I never really thought much about God’s word let alone the people He sent to bring me back to Him. But as I exposed myself more into the ministry through online means, I realized the blessing that had come. I still remember how I cried on one of our breakout sessions, overwhelmed with gratitude. It was at that moment that I’ve convinced myself to stay.

Looking back, I’ve always wondered why God chose to make Himself known while I have the burden of being an SSG leader. And now, I see that it was both a trust and a test.

Our time on earth and our energy, intelligence, opportunities, relationships, and resources are all gifts from God that He has entrusted to our care and management.
Rick Warren, The Purpose-Driven Life

Having the opportunity to lead the youth is a gift that a lot of people receive but don’t cherish enough. Being able to grab that chance, I was glad with the achievement. But God must’ve known how weak I really was deep inside and so there He was, making me realize that everything in my life came from Him and must be used to bring back the glory He deserves. He trusted me. And hear me, if God entrusted you with something, make sure to pay it forward! (Like that kid in the 2000 movie with the same title)

God continually tests people’s character, faith, obedience, love, integrity, and loyalty.
Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

Tests aren’t new to students like me. Even so, I won’t hesitate to say that God’s tests are the most challenging and life-changing of all. Meeting the Lord is easy but staying in His guiding light is the hardest thing to do. It might just be because of the way we are and how the world works. But a challenge is not a challenge if the struggle is not there. That is how I feel up to this moment but I won’t stop seeking Him and keeping His promises in me.

All of these are just fragments of all the things that I have realized in my 17th year of existence. And like the agent of knowledge that I am, the excitement to discover new things about life continues.

Here’s to a stronger and God-centered Rian on the 1st of June 2021!

Paglubog ng Araw

Kaugnay ng paglubog ang pagbagsak. Madalas magkasama ang dalawa. Paglubog sa utang o sa problema. Paglubog sa hirap ng buhay. Negatibo ang dating sa marami. Iba ang tingin ko sa salitang ito. Hindi laging masama ang nangyayari sa paglubog.

Tulad na lang ng paglubog ng araw. Sa tuwing sumasapit ang dapithapon ay nasisilayan ko ang pag-iibang kulay ng langit. Isang prosesong nag-iiwan ng kabighabighaning tanawin sa aking isipan. Nakakagaan ng pakiramdam.

Dito rin nakikipaglaro sa akin ang sinag ng araw. Lumilikha ng mga aninong masarap kuhanan ng litrato o ‘di kaya’y iguhit sa aking kwaderno.

At sa pagpapahingang ito ng araw ay nasisilayan ko ang buwan at mga bituin. Panibagong obrang oleo sa kambas ni Inang kalikasan. Nakawiwiling pagmasdan ang madilim na kalangitang kumikinang-kinang dahil sa mga tala.

Sumasagi sa aking isipan kung gaano ako ka swerte para masilayan ang lahat ng iyon.
Kung paanong ang paglubog ng araw ay nakapagbibigay ngiti sa mukha ko ngayon.