Night Owl Thoughts

Thou Shall Not Commit

“I didn’t sign up for this!”, I told myself as I cried myself to sleep that night.

Maybe it was the cool touch of the evening breeze or the comforting embrace of my bed. Perhaps it was both. But deep inside I know that my prayer was the reason I escaped those troubling thoughts. It was on that night back in December, when God made me realize the value of commitment.

I’m a trier. There are so many things in this world that I want to experience. So many places to visit. Food to eat. People to meet. So many opportunities but so little time. Still, I want to do everything! But ever since the pandemic started, things got complicated.

I wanted to do everything.

Leadership was one of the skills that I wanted to improve by joining the student council. Being able to work with passionate youth inside and outside the campus, helping every student and inspiring people. That was the vision. But the pandemic came and suddenly, those goals seemed so hard to achieve. The responsibility remains however, the fire is wavering. It’s difficult to meet the expectations when your moves are limited. It’s difficult to keep your hopes up when things don’t go according to the plan. I never signed up for this challenge but 2020 decided to test how much of a leader I truly am. And it disappoints me to realize that I’m struggling to keep things balanced.

I wanted to do everything.

Luckily for me, I got the chance to get to know God more despite the pandemic. At first, I wasn’t fazed by the statement “you can’t serve two masters at once”. I’ve always seen myself as a multitasker. I overestimated. Just as you thought things will get better, the opposite happens. Despite knowing that I had to let go of some commitments, it took me a while to overcome false positivity.

That night, my emotions got the best of me. I felt the chains of responsibility. All I saw was darkness and defeat. Overwhelming, is what it was. Doubt barged in with anxiety and fear. I wanted to scream my heart out but didn’t want my family to worry. I wanted to lash out but didn’t want to hurt anyone. So I prayed. Silently, I prayed to God to take it all away. And He did. He calmed me down and took away the pain. But He left me with the greatest lesson

Thou shall not commit without considering the possible trials along the way. Thou shall not commit while expecting for an easy sailing journey. Thou shall not commit without taking accountability.

Of course, there is no escaping on my current duties right now. But that lesson is one that I will never forget when it comes to decisions. One that I’ll never forget when making commitments.

The Motion Picture of Us

As I close my eyes, I see myself walking excitedly toward the mall entrance. It must have been the first week of July back in 2017. Because I remember how refreshing it felt to
get inside the air conditioned building. Leaving the humid weather outside of Gateway Plaza. Now, I see stores after stores. Back to school sales here and there. But I don’t think I’m looking for something to buy. I might be looking for someone to find. A tall gentleman with a dark complexion and impressive jawline. A very close friend of mine.

It’s coming back to me again. The sweet words, playful glances and the way he holds my hand. Butterflies! We were schoolmates. Both infatuated by high school love that started and ended up as friendship. Which to me, is not such a bad thing at all. We both cherish the moments we spent together. Like that late night when we stayed up composing a poem. I cringe whenever I see our grammatical errors in the original copy. However, it makes me
smile whenever I remember how proud we were about it. And since we’re already down the memory lane, I look back at the best experience that I had with him. The same memory that made me remember him in the first place. The movie date.

I must’ve been out of my mind telling my mother that I’ll be meeting my friends that day. But she never found out about it. No one but the two of us would reminisce that day. We met on the top floor where the movie theater was located. I can’t recall the clothes we wore but I do remember his face when he saw me walking toward him. After a brief moment of planning, we decided to watch Spiderman: The Homecoming. I might still have the movie ticket from that time. I wanted to hold on to it for a little while before we went our separate ways. It’s funny how I couldn’t remember how the movie ended. Was I too nervous to be
sitting beside him while munching on popcorn that time? After all, it was my first time to go out on a date. A secret date.

It’s always nice to end things on the right foot. But it is quite troublesome for me whenever I see any Spiderman-related stuff. That special memory immediately plays inside
my head like a motion picture. My young mind back then always thought that it would be the end of everything if I had to separate the special bond that we had. Obviously, I was wrong.
It wasn’t the end but the beginning of a much stronger friendship between me and Franc.

The Joy In Online Learning

With a wide yawn, sleepy eyes and a half-awake spirit, I gently opened my laptop screen and entered my password to start another journey to the online world. The morning
light woke me up a few minutes ago and forced me to drag myself to my current position. A laptop in front, water at the right side and a quick breakfast on the left. Looking at my
reflection on the screen reminds me that I certainly am not a morning person. Oh well! It’s not like I’m attending a beauty pageant anyway, it’s my first online class subject that I should be worried about. While scanning through my ever so active inbox for our classroom link, I
wondered if I had finished all my pending tasks online. “Did I even study in advance for today’s lesson?”, I thought. But a single question threw everything that I had been thinking
about when I entered our first class for Tuesday: Do I still even enjoy learning?

Seeing the same faces I had seen yesterday, the same look that I also have every morning, the question is almost immediately answered. Ma’am Xaris’ camera is the first one I look for to check if it’s on. I always want to see if she has the same “woke up like this” moment like the rest of the class but that doesn’t seem to be the case right now. Because her camera is off. I then look at Aaron’s to appreciate his long hair. Then I looked at Rafa to check if she had already taken a bath. Seeing that her hair is dry brings me relief. I’m not the only one who hasn’t taken a shower on this cold morning. I secretly checked my buzzing phone and saw that Kyla was silently having a small chit-chat in our groupchat.

“Natutulog ka Rian?” she typed.
“Oo nga, parang tulog siya kasi nakapikit.” Francis added before I could reply to Kyla.
“Nakayuko lang ako kasi chineck ko message niyo hmp!” I replied before immediately turning off my cellphone to focus on the class.

The best thing about the first online classes is that even our teachers are as absentminded as everyone else most of the time. I enjoy seeing this similarity but I do wonder if they got
enough sleep from last night. Because I know that I didn’t! Another moment that I thoroughly enjoy is looking at the epic faces of my classmates who, unfortunately, had their internet
signal interrupted. I know for a fact that Francis would’ve already taken a screenshot the second he realizes the situation. I had been one of his unlucky victims. But then who can I
blame when I have such an animated facial expression worthy of becoming a meme. I wonder if my cousin, Charlie, who is also an online learner, suffers from stolen shots online.

Moving on, I remember that one time when my little sister, Rueca, threw a tantrum downstairs because she wanted to play with me and Charlie. The moment she came into view of my camera, I saw the faces of my classmates suddenly light up. Even the teacher had noticed the cute stranger and awed with the class. I knew at that moment how refreshing it might have felt to look at such an innocent face. Not a single trace of stress
compared to our worn-out faces. But that’s life isn’t it? You slowly grow up and have things to think about. Not necessarily stress about, like what I usually do though.

Thinking about these moments that I enjoy makes distance learning bearable. It fuels me to move forward to the next online class. It motivates me to learn. And with a wide yawn,
sleepy eyes and a half-awake spirit, I gently closed my laptop screen and entered my bedroom to end the journey I had experienced once more in the online world.

Helping Hand from the Past

Don’t you miss the afternoon naps? Those care-free moments of our childhood? Because I do. I miss how wonderful the world looked to my 5-year old self. I miss having nothing to lose.

I also like to look back at the moments when I was 15. When I was foolish enough to think that I knew what life and love was all about. When my world revolved around school and myself. Selfish, I know.

But I’m thankful for those younger years. If I hadn’t once been a child, I wouldn’t have the appreciation for fun. I won’t be so curious to know the wonders of life. I won’t be so teachable. And if I hadn’t gone through my ripe teenage years, life would be boring. I might never know how to take risks. I might not be able to extract the lesson from the mistakes I’ve made. And I might never have taken the time to explore until I found the Lord. Or until He found me.

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why
Mark Twain

Without these phases, it’ll be difficult to know the latter part of Twain’s quote. It’ll be hard to accept that we lack the knowledge about our purpose. If it weren’t for the past, we won’t ever know what improvements to make within ourselves as we face the present and the future. But I do want to clarify that God might meet us at different age stamps. I’m grateful to have met Him as a youth but it is no less than another person who met the Lord at the age of 30. What’s important is that when you meet Him, you accept His gracious offer to guide you along your life’s journey.

Saying: Thank you God! Please equip me and send me according to Your great plan!

Letting Go

We have different views on the concept of letting go. Some find it painful while others see it as freedom.

I fall on both categories.

Back when I was younger, I’ve always been the type who will have a crush on someone for a couple of years or not have a crush at all. There is no in between. And it remained at that stage. A mere infatuation if you will. It wasn’t until 10th grade that I had the courage to confess and enter a mutual understanding with a guy. I remember how lucky I felt, thinking that I had found “Mr. Right” like how my generation would call him. Ignorance sure is bliss.

We acted like lovers without the proper label or commitment. Holding hands, longing stares and sweet words. We never did anything over the line but still, that secret love story continued for almost three years! It would have lasted for much longer if I didn’t realize how wrong it was. Perhaps it was sometime last December when it hit me. When God started to show me signs. It was then that I realized that I had been pretending when I had fallen out of love already. I no longer see a future with him and yet, I kept him, thinking that it’s just a phase. But when 2021 started, God started to move.

My ministry mentors were talking about their love lives that Sunday and I was the only mentee hanging around with them. I was listening. And then I started asking. At first, I tried to make it look like I was asking for a friend but I told them the truth about my situation anyway.

Hanapin mo muna sarili mo kay Lord. Magsumiksik ka sa Kanya. At your age, dapat alam mo na priorities mo.
One of my mentors

I cried. Not just for myself but for the guy as well. I was wondering how he would feel if I told him that we had to end what we had. But at that point, I was still torn between being in denial and letting go. That’s when I responded to God’s sign by pouring out my heart during the service. Then I soon did what I had to do. It sucks that we had to end things over a video call because of the pandemic. However, he was extremely understanding and calm at that moment. But I know that behind the façade, he was hurting. There even was a moment of hesitation in my head but I brushed it off. It’s better to get it over with early than pretend and multiply the pain if I waited until we met in person. I was determined to set things right.

It must have took me one and a half month to fully move on. During those days, I reassessed my priorities. I wanted to put God on top of my list so I did! I also thought about the future. If one day, God decides to introduce the right one, I pray that he loves Jesus more than he will love me. A God-centered man, doesn’t that sounds nice? And there’s the possibility that I’m meant to stay single and just focus on serving God and His people. Whichever is according to His will, that’s a win-win for me!

Letting go truly is painful but there’s freedom in it when God teaches you how to handle it. This is another lesson that I learned as I grow deeper in the Lord.

One Summer Getaway

Adventures have always been a part of my life. They provide the thrill and the fun that I seek as a young person. Perhaps being exposed to a lot of travelling makes you long for the wondrous places across the globe. I’m positive that my mother successfully shared her passion with me by bringing me to unexpected destinations.

One particular vacation that I can’t forget is our Bolinao getaway. I still remember the relaxing turquoise ripples as I carefully made my way through the Enchanted Cave, half of
my body submerged in cold spring water. I do miss the calmness that I felt being underground. The cave lived up to its name. It was as enchanting as how I imagined the
lakes and rivers in the fantasy books that I had at home. It makes you forget about the busy world above.

The moment we reached the end of the cave tunnel, it only took a few steps for us to see the magnificent Bolinao Falls. It took me a few minutes to accept that such a place
exists. The water fooled me into thinking that it’s a newly-cleaned swimming pool. It was extremely clear that I could see my feet as if I had my eyes underwater wearing goggles. Once again, I miss the cooling embrace of the water. But how can I forget the raging falls that muffled the shout of my mother, telling me not to get near the rocks below the cascade. I
was already on top of one rock when my mother had no choice but to snap a picture of me.

Picture of me trying to balance myself on top of that rock

Going through that memory makes me want to go back. It may just be an ordinary vacation to some but I can’t say the same. Every moment spoke to me. From the wild waterfall that represented my outgoing demeanor to the serene cave which reminded me of the beauty of peace. I found myself wanting to be one with nature. And I still feel the same despite the long quarantine.

I’m continually hoping for another fantastic experience like that one summer getaway.

Mask Up, Guard Up

As I was about to take a step outside our gate, I froze and remembered that I had forgotten to wear a mask.

The change brought upon by the new normal may be troublesome to others. Some might consider it as an advantage. No matter what we might think of the situation at hand,
we all must stick to the goal of creating a COVID-free environment for everyone.

Everybody plays a part. Fighting against this pandemic is not a one-man job. It is true that medical health workers should be on the lead in this battle however, if we can’t
contribute in any way to prevent the spread, that line of defense will fall and the outcome will only get worse. It baffles me to hear about “anti-maskers” across North America who are claiming that their government has been lying to them and are refusing to follow simple
public safety protocols such as wearing a mask. Fortunately, anti-maskers are not much of a
problem in our country. Perhaps Filipinos are more worried and aware of the risk of infecting or getting the virus. This is a good start.

Young ones who have the energy and the time to do a lot of things must actively participate in educating their fellowmen to mask up and get their guards up. As a student, the privilege of education must be put into good use by spreading reliable information on COVID19. We must stand up for the future. I don’t want us to still be worried of the same
pandemic that could’ve been solved if protocols were met. If everyone took caution instead of acting carelessly. Combat the virus with right knowledge and just actions.

That’s how I want to contribute so I went back inside the house and got myself a mask and shield before I went off.

Liham Kay Tatay

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam ang dahilan ng iyong paglisan. Ngunit huwag mo sanang isipin na ako’y puno ng galit at hinanakit sa’yo. Lumaki akong mabilis magpatawad. Ayaw kong mapuno ng kasamaan ang aking puso kaya’t kung ano man ang iyong rason ay tatanggapin ko.

Hindi ko tanda kung nasilayan ba kita noong ako’y sanggol pa. Minsan ay napapaisip ako kung ano ang anyo ng iyong mukha. Ano kaya ang mga bagay na namana ko sa iyo? Wala akong ideya kung saang parte ng mundo ka naninirahan. Hindi rin ako sigurado kung ikaw ba’y nabubuhay pa dahil wala na kaming balita sa iyo. Tay, minsan ba’y napapaisip ka kung ano na ang nangyari sa akin? Sa amin ni Mama?

Nais kong malaman mo na masaya at kontento ako sa buhay ko ngayon. Hindi man ako lumaki ng may haligi ng tahanan, isang dakila at mapagmahal na Ama naman ang nakilala ko. Siya rin ang nagpatibay kina Mama at Tita na siyang nagpalaki sa amin ng aking pinsan sa abot ng kanilang makakaya. Hiling ko na maayos at makulay pa rin ang buhay mo. ‘Wag ka sana manigarilyo at mag-inom dahil masama sa kalusugan ‘yan.

Lubos pa rin akong matutuwa kapag nagkita tayong dalawa. Sa pagkakataong iyon ay maipapamalas ko sa’yo ang mga naabot ko habang ako’y naglalakbay sa mundo. Maipapakita ko sa iyo kung gaano katalino at kasipag ang anak mo. Higit sa lahat, mababahagi ko sa’yo kung paano ako pinagpala ng Diyos sa buhay ko.

Mahal na mahal kita Tay!

Tides

Intimidating are the waves that guard the sea. Which like our lives, can be unexpected and overwhelming. But similar to how the tides change every so often, this journey of ours will always have its highs and lows.

If you ever find yourself in high tides, observe how loud the roars of the water get. See how high they jump as if they’re trying to reach for the sky. After some time, the waves are pulled back. Revealing the rocks that cause the water to dance. But if you’d look more closely at the scene before you, you’ll see different lives that once were hidden under that blanket of blue.

When you find yourself amidst the lowest tide, remind yourself that life continues to strive. It’s the chance to clear out the rocks that block your way. Time to know how to overcome even the angriest of seas the next day.

Birthday Bash

I’ve gotten used to not celebrating my birthday in the grandest way possible. To be honest, I don’t really remember if I truly have been happy to receive gifts and cakes when I was younger. But I’m not an ungrateful brat. Let me just throw that out so you won’t misunderstand. I do think it’s likely because of the mindset that I grew up with.

You see, I’ve always wanted to share everything that I have with other people. My single mother raised me to have a heart for those who are in need. Hindi mo kailangang maging sobrang yaman bago ka makatulong sa iba. Tried and tested yan! This might just be the reason why I don’t fancy celebrating birthdays in its traditional style.

I feel for those who haven’t enjoyed the feeling of receiving acts of care. Those who seldom get gifts of kindness. My heart extends for those who forced themselves to not enjoy the simple things in life just because they’re underprivileged. I’ve already had my fair share of love and attention. It’s overflowing and I don’t want to cherish it by myself. I want to share it.

Solidong Araw ng Pagmamahal, Yakap Para sa Lahat
LYFJSHS HUMSS SOC Outreach Program

This picture was taken back in December 2019. It always feels fulfilling to be part of outreach programs. My mother often made me tag along on her voluntary works when I was younger but it was this particular program that inspired me to conduct an outreach birthday bash on my 18th birthday this year.

Benjo and his jolly friend after the gift giving

Seeing the mix of shy and expressive reactions from the children reminds me of how good life can be. That despite our personal dealings, God will always send people and situations to remind us that there is more to appreciate.

I pray that I don’t lose the heart of a child who is filled with joy over a simple act of kindness. I pray that I could share it with people around me. I hope that we don’t miss the opportunity to let people feel that they are loved and taken care of.